Finally, I am re-motivated to get down and dirty spiritual-wise again. Not too dirty though. Slow steps, bit by bit.

This has been motivated by depressive feelings. A long and lonely summer stretching endlessly onward does tend to get you down. The Guy has gone home for a few weeks, and I have the flat to myself. Which is great. I have been re-reading Silver RavenWolf’s Mindlight, which is good, if a little hard to understand, and I have started infusing biscuits with happy energy before I eat them, which surprisingly works. Also when I am feeling down, I like to recite Z Budapest’s Goddess’ prayer, which cheers me up too. See, like I said, baby steps.

In SRw’s book it talks about agreements within yourself, creating change on the quantum field by agreeing with all your selves; mental, physical, emotional and spiritual; and it is only when the whole of your being agrees and believes something is going to happen that it will. Pondering that. desperately and diligently trying to get to sleep, I try to persuade myself to do a chakra meditiation, which always calms me down and usually knocks me out. But there is so much resistance to doing it, and I reckon in this easy to understand format it is my mental agreements at fault. My brain goes thus; Dont be silly, no need for that mumbo jumbo, just go to sleep normally like everybody else. Stop being silly and believing in silly things. My brain is such a traitor! What kick does it get out of this? I reckon its the cynical-ness instilled by years of atheist upbringing, a rational and intellectual belief that life is life is life and that there is no need to over complicate things with concepts such as “deity” and “chakra”. It is resisting, putting up a final defence to the magical and the mystical. My other three guys have already succumbed. Although I know that it makes perfect sense to believe in things we cant see, as humans are in no way omniscient, part of me refuses to agree.

Is it this shame business again? My mission this dedicant year is to look at all aspects of myself and learn not to feel ashamed for any of them, to accept and love. I have always been embarrassed by my religious convictions, because the whole involvement in wicca and witchcraft, even if I dont label myself as either of these, create fertile ground for scoffs, snorts and other sounds of derision, pokings and pifflings and taking apart of something close to my heart that I find hard to explain.

More work needed on shamelessness, I think.