This week has been a mad crazy week.
Emotionally, I have been so much all over the shop I popped into other shops while I was at it.
I’m part-time employed person to give me time to pursue the things I really want to do with my life – art and bellydance.
This week, I have really wanted to give up on my dreams.
It feels so hard – I’ve built them all up into stuff so important that they are too scary to even think about, let alone try and achieve, and I feel so much at the beginning and like I know so little (COUGHcomparing-myself-to-othersCOUGH) that there is no point. I guilt trip myself, doubt myself, ignore it, put myself down, all the tools and tricks. I know what I want to achieve is big and mad and crazy, and I have just felt like there is no way I can do it this week, like I am not good enough and it’s just stupid to carry on this way. I’ve cried, really cried, looked numbly at walls and stayed just enough on top of the crazy so that I can seem normal in public, when really I haven’t been able to handle it.
I thought about running away and getting a full time job, which surely must be so much easier.
Doing my bus reading on an up day, I read something that made my brain go “DING!” (that’s a lightbulb noise). I would not have been given these desires and talents if I wasn’t meant to do something about them, otherwise it would be a total waste of talent resources. I don’t think Goddess would want me to give up on my dreams at all. I know she wouldn’t, and she wants me to live the hell out of them instead.
I’ve “decided” not to let these giving-up feelings defeat me, but I feel all defiant and empowered for ten minutes and the next day, I am back to crazy misery. But if She wants me to do what I want to do, then as a priestessful person (and a Third Road Priestess! Woop!) I can’t ignore that. Even when I feel pants tomorrow, I know I just have to stick at it because She’s supporting me.