When I was younger, I desperately wanted to be in a coven.

I can go so far on self-motivation, but after a bit I am back to procrastinating and doing stuff that is easier and less challenging.  I need structure or deadlines around things to commit to them properly. Otherwise I just flounder around.

So I looked for a coven. When I couldn’t find any in my area, I thought about the idea of creating my own. In this fantasy, I’d be the coven leader (of course) and we’d meet up on full moons and talk about the goddess a lot, and I’d be an awesome high priestess leading spells and rituals and we’d all wear jeans and t-shirts and be a sisterhood.

Back in reality, I researched it further. I read a couple of books on covens and discovered what I’d suspected – it’s a frick lot of work organising a coven, and I knew I wasn’t experienced enough to lead one anyway.

I moved and I eventually did find a coven in my area, but they practiced a form of wicca that I was not comfortable with – Brittish Traditional fused with drugs. No thanks.

So, I started looking for pagan chums instead – I tried to start a Pagan Society at university, but ended up meeting people I really didn’t get along with. I don’t really enjoy organising stuff, and after a while I stopped bothering. I attended a few pagan events too, but I kept meeting people I didn’t work with – either they were too alternative, or a walking wiccan parody, or gave off a creepy vibe, or had conversations like this:

Pagan1: Oh, I’ve been exploring the Ogham recently.

Pagan2: Really? I know all about the Ogham. Let me tell you about this esoteric experience I had…

(cue both participants straining to show off how much they know and prove they are more learned and mystical than the other).

Sigh.

So after a bit I gave up. Cue a few years break.

But I haven’t really given up.

I recently tried to meet goddess peeps at a Z Budapest workshop, but not only was it a really abysmally disappointing workshop, I felt really out of place – I was easily 20 years younger than almost everyone there, and most people I spoke to seemed to speak in Goddess Code: everything was either an expression of the goddess, or doing the goddess’ work, or a great way of connecting to goddess. I do not speak the code, and it really irritates me when people try to link everything I do to a direct experience of goddess.

I left this experience confused thinking “I’m so out of place. Maybe the Goddess isn’t for me and I should stop messing around with this witch malarky.” Seriously. It’s bit weird when the community of people you have met in real life around your spirituality over the last ten years are people you just don’t get on with. I thought maybe that meant it’s time to give up, that I wasn’t spiritual enough for spirituality.

Just to make sure, I decided to give solitary practice my all for a month and I liked it so much I kept with it.

And now I am working out where to find my own in-person community. I’m not that unique – I am sure there are other people out there just like me, with similar beliefs and practices, and I’ll find them some day. I’m sure it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. Maybe. If not, I’ll be the goddess-painting witch with a solitary obsession with mermaids forever.

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